I was getting Subway yesterday and was astonished to see that there are only a few $5 footlongs left in the variety. The biggest problem is no turkey. It’s gone. Back to regular price. How is turkey supposed to cost any more than the other lunch meats? Eventually it’ll just be like lobster or something where they don’t even put the price on the menu.

“How much is the turkey going for today?”

“How much you got?”

They have a new spicy turkey sub. It’s $8.90 for the footlong. What the hell is going on? A gallon of gas and a footlong is like $1,000 now. I’m going to have to start eating those gas station hot dogs that are 2 for $1. Can’t beat that price. Or that food poisoning.

At Subway, the sandwich artist with crooked teeth starting throwing whatever ingredients she wanted on the grilled chicken sub I had to settle for. Just dressing it up herself. Then I stopped her and told her what I wanted on it and she looked at me like I interrupted her piano recital. Her hands froze over the sub like a row of black and white keys and she glared at me, taking some stuff off and sniffing loudly in that way people do when they are peeved. So I gave her the quick list of fixins and she listens and does it up. But then she throws tomatoes on it. And I say no tomatoes. And she says, “You just said tomatoes.” And I said, “But I don’t eat tomatoes. Never have never will.” And she said, “Then why did you say you wanted them on your sub?” And I said, “I didn’t. I don’t like them at all.” And she took them off and slid the sandwich over to the register to do a half-ass wrap job. And even though I wanted the combo, I couldn’t give her the satisfaction.

So Subway kind of sucks in my mind right now. I’m a much bigger Mr. Sub fan. Check my older blog for the best 90s Chicagoland commercial of all time.